It's Not Winter Yet

 No winter, and no discontent. Had a passionate weekend filled with sex and eating and lounging. It's Monday, and I am sorting things out for the coming week, in a completely languid and pacified manner. 

I have small matters to attend, such as mending the hole in my ceiling caused by a now repaired roof leak.

I have finished a Nicholas Sparks book, a wholesome altruistic affair, and am now reading a more neurotic, dark, sexually charged novel by Erica Jong.

I received a rather steep Christmas gift request, and have been hashing over how to handle it. I think I will maybe help the recipients out financially and let them do the logistics and part of the financial requirements for procuring the gift. 

Still dreaming as much as any time in my life. I, among many other dreams, have recently dreamt of being back in the Army. I did this more than once. Most memorably, I bought frozen foods and left them on my car in the PX parking lot, where they started to rapidly melt before I remembered to get them to a freezer. The landscape was heavy with trees and hills. I also dreamt I was sent to an American embassy in China with a group of other American nationals, where we were instructed to simply live and get paid for it! We got interviewed, had physicals, and were dispatched into the Chinese city where the embassy was. We all then donned crow costumes complete with black clothing and beaked masks!

My unjust divorce has been only a very faint simmer in my life. I'm.... glad?

Torrid Summer, Hot Autumn

 Life lurches forward. 

First, my job: few people have the chutzpah to work the insane hours I do, so when my counterpart took time off for personal reasons, my hours skyrocketed. I'm making a decent living, but, ironically my living isn't so decent. Not many hours of free time linger for me in any given week. Temp workers from other countries still fill many of the off hours shifts in my department. Somehow I am getting enough sleep, and insomnia isn't an issue. 

Which leads to the dream logging portion of this diary. Nonsense continues to simmer in the grey matter as I slumber. Most memorable was a dream, where I was in a spare, industrial type hi rise apartment with my best friend and his family. The big picture windows opened out upon a large abandoned amusement park. Rust stained the old concrete foundations of the abandoned Ferris wheel and roller coaster. It was a clear sunny cool day. I was desperate to find a toilet. Oddly, the only toilet was in an open alcove off the main living room, which was wall-to-wall carpeted with 70-80s era, multi-color shag rug. I dove for the commode, and for some reason decided sitting down to pee was best. I forgot to put the seat down and about fell into the bowl. I started peeing. It was at this time my best friend decided to have a conversation with me. He talked like me sitting with my buttocks in toilet water, while urine gushes out of me, was a common occurance not even worth mentioning. I did wake up to a hella urge to pee...

Possibly helping with the sleep, is the ongoing passionate romance I have. We're pegging the meters on each other's souls. It's... nuts. Can't adequately describe it. It's dreamlike; something that just can't be real. Stuff like this only happens in dime store romance novels, Playboy articles (we only bought that magazine for the articles), wet dreams, etc. Occasionally I fear losing it. I remind myself to concentrate on the happiness of it all, and to relegate the fear of it ending to the background. Concentrate more on building, and not the fear of a tear down. Concentrate on supporting, loving really. We help each other through our rough days. Bottom line: it's FUN. Boy I hope it doesn't end!

I have been biking frequently to work. Traffic is ... traffic. I'm still the lone cyclist in my little area doing this, surrounded by motorists. We coexist. It's mainly an easy coexistence. I don't appreciate peoples brights while driving at night. Many don't dim them as they approach me, even as I have a headlight. I am sure they see me. It's inconsiderate, and I wonder what these people are thinking, if they are thinking at all.

Gardening season has essentially come to a close. Was a successful harvest after a summer of well timed rains and no major heatwaves. Only glitch was a June draught which curtailed the garlic harvest. I have to get new seed garlic now.  

State of affairs 3Sep23

 It's been a busy eventful summer. 2 jobs. Extra time with kids. Bountiful garden. Bizarre dreams.  Violently passionate romance... And of course, plenty of cycling.

The jobs both demand my time, as much as I can give. And I have given. The extra hours have filled my bank account. It's been mostly smooth sailing, with only minor irritations, which I pray to God don't metastasize into major ones.

I get 2 weeks with my kids from the court edict, and I took them whenever I could. It generally feels they are in their mother's thrall, and I am just some marginal, inconsequential character in their lives. It's a bit humiliating and saddening. There were some good times, though. I want to have more positive influence on my kids' lives than the situation currently permits.

Well timed rains nursed my garden all summer, and I am working steadily, harvesting as things come ripe. I store the potatoes, can the cukes and tomatoes and banana peppers, and pass good amounts of food to my ex, who has a larger household than I do. This may help foster more civil relations between us.

The series of rather vivid, bizarre dreams continues. One example is where I was in this very messy house. Clothes, dirty dishes, and whatnot were strewn everywhere. My kids were there. I was exhorting them to clean. They were ignoring me. Gilbert Gottfried somehow appears, and pulls me into a closet where he puts his arm around me and insists, in his comic voice, that my kids will eventually shape up and love me when they are adults! 

It's been a good summer for cycling, and my bike got plenty of miles on it. There is a section of road on the way to work which is partially closed due to construction. It's particularly irritating because not only is it hazardous to cyclists, but also the work was at a standstill for weeks. Only recently has there been any signs of life/progress at this site. It's a bit vexing to me.

My bike needs work. The occasional rain shower I get caught in has deteriorated my shifting cables. I must work on them. Finding time to do this is hard. I'll get to it when I can!

My time with the special woman continues. It's amazing. We share stuff about our lives. We help each other through our respective stresses. Physical component of our relation is spectacular, unprecedented for me. It's like I threw a bunch of jigsaw puzzle pieces on a coffee table, and they all landed together properly. Everything fits so well. We're not perfect people, but together with her I feel nearly perfect. Got to enjoy while it lasts. I vow to be there for her as long as she wants me!

Dog Days

 Well this blog was primarily supposed to be cataloging all my exploits as a bicycle commuter, I will recount a short typical and inconsequential interaction between myself and a driver: Was biking on Pulteney St in Corning heading to Wegmans to get food for my son and myself, and some Lame-O in a pick-up decided to yell GET ON THE SIDEWALK at me. Reflexively I rejoined FUCK YOU to the driver. Life went on. We both got to our destinations and got on with our days, it seemed. 

Relationship building continues. It's exciting. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Other pastimes like church in particular are taking a back seat to my New Thing. I'm ambivalent about this. We're fulfilling each other's needs in a big way. I have never met a woman so into me, and what sex I can offer. It's invigorating! Yet it feels like I've lost a moral high ground. Have the forces of religion programmed me? It's consensual. She surely means a lot to me, and I to her... how does this hurt us? I can't see how.

Dreams continue to flow, but less memorable lately. One memorable dream happened. I, for the first time ever, had full frontal nudity in a dream: my love interest appeared on a queen sized bed, in a mid range motel room, requesting me to have sex with her. It was reality speaking to me in my dream!

A Dramatic Turn of Events

 A lot has happened since my last post.

I will start with my dreams: Had a series of nightmares (!) starting with one in which my cat was loping along beside my car on an entrance ramp to an interstate. I opened the car door, but he continued to run onto the interstate, which was filled with speeding traffic! He disappeared and I desperately was looking for him. I saw his tail drifting in the breeze generated by the passing traffic, which disturbed me to the point of waking up.

The very next night I dreamt I was passing through a school building with white walls. There was a funeral going on, and I was apparently unintentionally intruding. There were several big burly guys with beards there. The biggest burliest guy singled me out and started to accost me. It looked like I was about to fight him. I was fleeing the scene when I woke up.

There was another disturbing dream a couple nights later. 

It's essentially unprecedented for me to have such a string of disturbing dreams! Usually it's random nonsense which I quickly forget. I am recording these dreams a week after they occurred. These episodes have clung to my memory.

But, the big news for the end of June into July is the igniting of a most passionate love affair with someone I never suspected had it in her. It has rocked my world! It has violently plucked me from the clutches of any doldrummy depression which was plaguing me, and propelled me into a bright shiny new happy world. She reached out to me after we had a chance meet in a grocery store of all places.

I cannot adequately describe my feelings here. I can say I will pursue this with all I have, for as long as it works for her. She fully deserves every bit of pleasure and happiness I can bestow upon her. A part of me thinks that because this has come to pass, I can now die happy!

I am grateful she reached out! 

Not giving up, though

 I have had several memorable dreams in the past month. 

The first is a nightmare where I was standing with my two youngest kids in front of our local fire station, in front of the office door. At the other end of the long tarmac to the street, a small car with its windows open was making its wat toward us. A gun barrel pointed out of the passenger side window toward me. The car drove slowly toward us. I was getting increasingly scared, but my kids were oblivious. They talked and joked as if nothing was happening. The fear woke me up.

Next dream, the main element I remember was images of the same kids, my two youngest, with background music playing - Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here. I awoke feeling sad.

Most recently, I was in a chair on a patio, and my ex fiancee was standing behind me, cradling my head gently against her abdomen (she's tall) and softly telling me "It's over... You need to move on"

It's unusual for me to have repeated dreams in which reality seeps in like that, much less several in a month. I lost custody of my younger kids, plus broke up with a wonderful woman a couple of years ago. It's been very hard on me.

Music frequently is heard in my dreams. I can't remember my dreams, but often wake up with a tune in my head. The tune is often original.

I stink at recording my dreams

 Well, I do dream regularly, and I do often remember the last couple minutes of my REM sleep when I wake up. I do not possess the discipline to regularly record things I dream.

That said, I did, a couple of sleeps ago, dream Ted Koppel was lying on my basement rug, reaching his arm under a bookcase. Was he retrieving something? Cleaning? Fixing? I don't know. Same dream series included a family of redheads in a field of scattered mature goldenrod. 

Seems random stuff to me. I have no control in my dreams. They just happen to me. 

Am making a furtive attempt to get back in the dating scene. It's frustrating. I had a couple leads. They show interest, then they ghost. 

Hang in there...

Latest Dreams - Apr 7-10

 Couple of dreams I remember from this period: Staying with family (not sure which ones) at a rickety shack next to a rural road with a close cropped weedy lawn. There were gaps in the clapboard letting light & the elements in. It was uninsulated. The mood was sad. I put my baggage, partially unpacked, on a shelf as I was noticing the holes in the walls. Weather was cloudy cool with spitting rain...

Another dream was of my son, who is a late bloomer. I was watching a friend or two of his go through puberty, while he did not, and I felt desolate for it.

That's the fragments of memory I retain from my latest dreams.

1st week Apr dreams

Well, having been reading a book which pays attention to the subject, I have noticed that I do dream every time I sleep. The chemical scheme of the brain during sleep discourages remembering dreams, but with discipline, apparently this can be overcome...

Having said that, here is what I remember since the last post: I made out with a Hispanic lady. That's one dream. I also apparently went to Ukraine to help in the war effort, mainly by driving their trolleybuses about whatever city it was I wound up in. Ukraine is a beat up, run down country even during peacetime. This city was no exception. I spoke with the people in Ukrainian. I learned new words. Sadness pervaded the dream, which makes sense, given all the death and loss going on over there. I felt at times like I was going to cry. I know from previous  dream experiences that when I feel the urge to cry, it means I am experiencing apnea. I always wake up gasping for air in these crying situations.

That's what I remember.

More later...

1Apr dream

 This dream consisted of colored skulls on a black background. The skulls represented some sort of activity. If the activity represented by specific skull was high, that skull glowed bright magenta. Skulls with less activity were a darker cornflower blue. Some skulls exhibited both colors. The skulls were observed to be skewed at random angles... The entire dream seemed like the computer display of a hi tech scan one would get in a hospital.

A musical melody accompanied the dream, and I could hum it immediately after waking. I have since forgotten it.

Mar 30 2023 - Progress?

 Last 9 months have been mainly tough. I started a second job, plus volunteered for more overtime at my primary job to occupy my mind, keeping it from dwelling on past losses. I also saw a counselor regularly throughout 2022. These actions proved effective in overall raising my spirits out of the gaping maw of Depression, though I flirt with burnout periodically...

Nowadays seem brighter, both literally and figuratively. Literally, because it's spring and the days are getting longer. Figuratively because my social life is improving, with more frequent meetups with friends new and old, and social interactions with family as well.

I am starting to date again after a brief abortive attempt last year with the eccentric solar panel installer from Ithaca. 

I am also reading about the science behind dreams, the history of our treatment of them, and observing and figuring out the whys of our brain activity while we slumber.

Keeping a dream diary is mentioned in the book, so in a nod to that, here goes:

I dreamt I was living with family friends. They sent me out to their front yard to retrieve a cookbook from a decaying bookshelf which dwelt there. The lawn wasn't mowed, and there was lots of junk. There was some discussion and interaction going on, the details of which escape me. typical weird random dream for me...

More on this later, if I have the discipline...

I continue to bike to work frequently, especially since my 3rd daughter got her driver's license and likes to commute to/from school from her mom's. Better to do this in an EV than in a gasoline engined vehicle. Am angling for a 3rd car, but supplies are short and I have to wait for now.