At a Crossroads

 Life... is stable. Not euphoric. My ongoing highlight is the taking of child support money from my ex which I was unable to spend, hitting it rather big on what turned out to be a speculative, volatile stock, and reinvesting in a bond fund. It became a large enough sum to create income sufficient to cover my current childs support obligation. For this, I am grateful.

I still date the woman from Chemung County. I don't have romantic feelings toward her. She seems to have them towards me. This can't go on much longer, unfortunately. 

I have intense, but restrained feelings for the woman in Monroe County. They are completely unreasonable. I fear we don't have enough in common to sustain a relationship in peace and love as we would both want. Plus she is volatile. And I am no emotional genius. Maybe counseling could help us. 

I hate cars and their drivers. Most drive too fast, negligently, aggressively. A clueless woman recently ran a red light and nearly ran me over. I evaded into the other lane where there can be oncoming traffic, but it was empty late that night thankfully.

Dreams happen routinely. I remember one in which I was taking the gf to Ft Erie ON Canada to see a Rush concert. It was vivid. I remember roads, the painted lines, road signs, trees, buildings, graffiti under bridges, etc. I had to leave her at a rest stop because she lacked ID to get across the border (a similar situation occurred in real life when she couldn't get on a military base with me because she misplaced her ID). I feared I could not get across the border because I only had my driver's license and no passport, but they waved me through. On the way, I stopped at a lab which needed help, and filled in a couple hours, weirdly. Their electronic for work/time keeping was very unusual and I needed help with it. I awoke before seeing Rush in concert.

The marital strife continues to simmer. My son has a lipoma on his back. The ex insists on getting the full treatment - expensive MRI, surgery consults, etc. Not medically necessary. Lipomas are genetic, and non malignant. I have had them all over me for decades, pea sized to chestnut sized. His sister has the same thing. No medical action has been taken on her. None is needed. There is a fight brewing on who's paying for all this work. I am not. She is in for a fight.

: ( 

State of Disunion January

 Well, it's January, and the winter has been colder than usual with multiple below zero F nights and snow that stuck around for a week or two in Dec into January, then January warmed up for a week or two, but then cooled back down and we got half a foot of snow and it's zero again.

I bike when I can. The bike is ten years old now. The front derailleur mechanism is frozen. The freewheel cassette thing is frozen on my rear wheel. But I still get 8-16 speeds when I need them. I no longer flip off people who don't dim their brights, like that was even helping. I just hold up a gloved hand and shield my eyes so I can see. That's workable.

I have been toying with the notion of having two girlfriends at once. One I have passionate love for. She's in Rochester. The other I have platonic love for. She's in Horseheads. I don't know how to handle this. I wish I could have both, but we're programmed or monogamy. Someone will get hurt. The solution so far has been to back off the Rochester woman. 

I dream. It sometimes involves real life rivals and antagonists interacting with me while I sleep, so things happening during waking hours visit me as I sleep. A notable antagonist is my Dad's husband. He's likely had a hard life, and never learned self reflection or empathy, since he was so busy deflecting societal hostility growing up gay. Consequently, he's an irredeemable asshole. He's made cameos in my dreams.

Son's blossomed into a bonafide jock scholar athlete. He's got friends, a busy life, and affluence mainly provided by his mother who is a multi millionaire, augmented by her second spouse's wealth. I'm happy he's making a good go of it in school, doing much better than I did. I hate being the secondary, throwaway parent, simultaneously tossed out and financially penalized by the family/support courts locally dominated by old white republican males. It's life altering stuff they seem to casually and thoughtlessly impose on people. 

It's how the country operates: rich oppressing the poor, powerful oppressing the vulnerable. For centuries we have flirted with being a free country, never quite getting there...