Caffeinated, Overworked, Frustrated

 Life is a grind right now. I can count a good list of blessings and also a significant list of curses on my life. 

I worked 9 days in a row, and deal with micromanaging pettiness, which is bad, but get an enhanced paycheck, which by most measures is good.

I only biked to work once during this period of 9 days. Good? I wish more people joined me on the road bike commuting. It's lonely out there. I hate the car culture wrought upon us by the decision makers. It's bad for about everyone. 

I am grateful for my correspondence with my two female companions. I am not passionately attracted to one, but converse easily and enjoy supporting her and value her friendship. I am irrationally attracted to the other, and feel I don't get to see her enough. She is wildly attractive. And volatile. It's hard to be apart from her. 

I have dreamt about virtually every ex I have had as an adult the past couple months. One instance I was puttering around her house, her kids interacting with me, me feeling anxious she will find out. She does find out, and is not angry or surprised I am there, but friendly and civil. Another dream had me gearing for a fight with my ex wife. I awoke before the fight came to pass. Another ex was simply part of the extras in the nonsense plot which was happening. Another dream was my kitchen was out in the shallows of Lake Erie or Ontario, and I was wading around in it. In that dream, I awoke and found that the flood was a dream and that my kitchen was in fact dry, then I awoke to my reality and my own very different kitchen from the one I saw in the dream. A dream within a dream. Had a second dream-within-a-dream experience where my son was the main character. I can't remember our exact interactions, but the dream within a dream format stuck with me so I can write about it now.

I love my son. I wish to spend more time with him. It seems he wishes more time with me. It makes my heart swell with happiness. It may be poor strategy to let my happiness hinge on his approval, and yet I let it be so. : /

I have regular interactions with my oldest. It is good to watch them proceed with their adult lives. I have good kids. 

My middle child is distant. It works on my heart sometimes and I self reflect on what I might have done wrong.

I look forward to my week off...

Whew...

Charting the Future

 So, I rejiggered my tax withholdings on my pay, and as a result my take home is about 20% smaller than it was before the whole support court campaign. The minor pain now will help avoid major pain when it is time to file tax returns in 2026. I had cash savings locked up in CDs which matured last spring. That is now consolidated into a larger money market account. I can take the dividend from that money market and use it as spending money to take the stress off my paycheck, which can be used to pay bills and child support now. It isn't exactly prospering, but it is effective survival.

My dreams seem to put the theme out that I am inadequate to my children, my ex. Several dreams put me at West Point. One had me as a new plebe working through their basic training, attempting to get in contact with my daughter who attends there. One had me conferring with senior officers and NCOs, again apparently trying to gain an audience with my daughter. In real life she doesn't answer my texts. Not sure why. She is cordial when I do get rare time with her. She's had a lot of temporal success in life, and the resulting attention seems to have drawn her away from her family to the ephemeral attentions of her transient admirers, none of whom she has known very long. She is in the process of gaining wisdom, which I hope will lead her back to those who love her and away from those who seek to use her. A real nightmare happened in my sleeping head recently with my son with a horrible abdominal wound, exposing intestines, was with me trying to gain medical treatment at a crowded hospital med/surg ward where I was trying to get him directly admitted. The wound was bleeding lightly, but exposing his intestines. I had to take a number, like in a deli, and wait for service for him. His mother appeared, telling me I wasn't "good enough." I exploded at her, excoriating her for sitting on the sidelines criticizing while I was out there taking action to save our son. The argument was tense enough to wake me up at that point.

June was rainy. July started out hot and dry. Put in the garden about June 10th. It's growing well, albeit delayed because of the late start. Corn is already producing its tassels. Should be a decent harvest.

Plenty of commute biking through the dry weather. Asshole threw a firecracker at me on July 4th, but other than that things are calm. The new rear derailleur is functioning well, and I can bike faster because of it.

I am sticking with my current girlfriend, but I am not without temptations. A Pakistani woman passed through the lab, who I found interesting. A technical writer living outside Ithaca super swiped me on Bumble. As always, I have the exceptionally attractive Rochester connection. What are the benefits of casting aside what I have cultivated, in favor of an unknown prospect?

Decisions...

May 4 2025

 It's been relatively calm the past month plus. Court wound itself to a close. Fought to a draw. Support penalty against me was neither raised nor decreased. It was the legal equivalent of the Ukraine Russia conflict: larger hostile force attacked relentlessly at great expense while reaping very little gain. the smaller entity (me) stood fast and emerged damaged but alive.

Biking has been relatively calm, although someone did strike me with a full water bottle on Rt 352. An isolated incident. I plan on dying out there. I suppose that was a warmup act. Bike is old, 10 years, and on its 7th chain. Front derailleur is partly inoperable. 

Dreams have been highly bizarre: seducing, then having sex with a colleague, stripped to our underwear and working around it for proper penetration, on a bed, in a bedroom with picture windows, curtains open, with a busy intersection full of traffic right outside. Another had me carrying on a homosexual relationship and living in Russia, living as a closeted gay with a Nganasan man from Siberia. We went to a political rally where Putin spoke. We lived in a modest apartment in a provincial city. 

Money gets tighter with less (no) dependents to claim on my tax returns. I am repositioning to adapt to my new reality. 

Kind of looking forward to the summer. 

Spring is arriving

 The insanely unnecessary trial over child support has drawn to a close. Objections were filed, but the judge corps at the county office building refused to consider them on technicalities. The objections' overruling was riddled with factual errors, but I assume I would have to appeal, which would cost me thousands in legal fees over a trivial sum being sent to my ex. The state's family court system is easily abused and inherently unjust. I could compose as separate journal entry on this subject, but I have no more to add at this time.

I'm generally sleeping well. Waking up alone can be debilitating, knowing no one human is there for me. I have a girlfriend, but she lives in another town. I do have a cat, who is very loyal, and sleeps with me. I suppose I could remember all the quarrels we had when we were together, and how I am not subject now to anyone's judgement or control. Dreaming occasionally about ex-girlfriends, usually in surreal quasi sexual situations. I dreamt about my cat, too, and his hair sticking up on his tail and legs. That was not sexual. 

I ran 5.5 miles last evening. This was enough to tire me and compel me to drive to work instead of bike. I simply didn't have the energy. This is a first. I am getting older. My required recovery period is getting longer. The night biking subjects me to those bright LED headlamps most late model cars have now. It's blinding, even with their "dims" on. 

My girlfriend is unexpectedly ill. I hope to see her when she gets better. It must be quite a stressful time for her. It is a significant health issue. I text her when I can. 

Couple of kids are home for spring break. It's good to see them. I understand why they spend their time with mom and not with me when I am working overnights. I hope they see me more when I am off in a couple of days. Maybe they could spend the night at my place. It's a desolate feeling that results when they forsake me for their mother. Maybe I am emotionally immature, and counseling can work me through these feelings of rejection. 

I heard the spring peepers for the first time last night. It hit 60 yesterday and will hit 60 today. A bit early for the warmth...

A Fertile Imagination

 Well the trial to determine the amount of child support due my wealthy ex and her powerful expensive (obese) lawyer ground to a conclusion and a decision was rendered. Apparently we drove the poor magistrate crazy, and he quickly ordered the child support to continue unabated even as the number of children we share has been halved. He left out a specific order for me to continue sending money to help pay health insurance premiums for our kid. I am fine with this. 

My ex is so wealthy, that in reality she needs not a cent from me to help maintain the living standard of our son. But she is pugilistic in nature with a large appetite for revenge, with deep pockets to hire the most aggressive expensive lawyers in our area. Naturally she strenuously objected to the ruling, zeroing in on the lack of an order for me to pay health insurance premiums for her, ranting about irrelevant minutiae such as my "long history of nonsupport." Ha! I have paid whenever I have been ordered to, and am about $284 ahead in my payments...

I too shall object to the ruling, because the magistrate neglected to consider the increased taxes I am burdened with going forward - $10000 more a year as a single filer with no dependents, compared to if I was married filing jointly with one dependent, as she can. I also have additional income data showing my income down $8000 due to less overtime and fewer hours at my second job. Also neglected in his ruling was my son's living standard. His living standard is increased since his mother left me for a richer man, without child support from me. Yet another parameter the judge ignored: my extra contributions to his welfare: I have $40000 saved and growing for his college tuition when he graduates, and I own insure and maintain a car for him to commute to school with when he turns 16 this year.

I think I have a pretty solid case.

Once the trial was over, my anxiety decreased significantly, and my dreamscapes as I sleep grew more graphic. I had dreams about hiking, sometimes with my girlfriend, sometimes with my daughter Katherine. I marveled at tall trees with thick trunks which stayed thick even 50 feet up. We hiked on dirt roads, mostly through flat areas. Katherine was a little girl, and I carried her on my back. She slept as I carried her. We came upon abandoned buildings, and we explored them. There was snowfall.

A less comforting dream found me in Chicago trying unsuccessfully to see my son and youngest daughter as my ex spirited them away, doing this and that, probably sporting events. I rode buses through nice neighborhoods feeling distraught and alone, hoping to see them soon... It was a desolate feeling waking up from that.

I worry about the lack of closeness to my son this hostile post-divorce situation has precipitated upon me. I have no idea what influence his mother has over his attitude toward me. I suspect it hasn't been good. My kids have reported she badmouths me on the phone to my own relatives. Yes, I feel anger over this. Mostly I feel hopeless, hurt, and broken hearted. I really want to be close with my son. She's preventing this. She hides coyly behind the "if he wanted to see you, I would let him" line of bullshit. The environment she cultivated at her house makes any show of support towards me dangerous, if you enjoy the accoutrements of wealth she has engendered after she married old Mr. Moneybags.

I'll work through it with my counselor.

A Dream Within a Dread

 

My entry title was supposed to be "A Dream within a Dream", but I mistyped. I'm keeping the typo.

Life has been a mixed bag of late.

I have an ongoing relationship with a local woman, who is generally kind, hardworking, a bit intense, who I am happy with. The disturbing thing is I lack passion for her, infatuation. It's just missing. I enjoy her company, and can drum up attraction when we get a moment alone together, which is rare, but the actual love and passion feels lacking on my end. I am not sure what to do about this. Maybe I can note the solution in my next entry.

Work is steady and quietly prosperous. We have a new manager who I haven't even met yet, and about whom I have learned very little from my co-workers. I am at the top pay rung for my job, which rewarded me with a de facto bonus for the first paycheck of the year. Things are still relatively peaceful here. Some employees do things in odd ways which I would think aren't per policy, but I am not a micro manager, so I look beyond what they are doing.

Socially I am trying to keep ties with several close friends through in person or internet interactions. This helps maintain my emotional stability. I also visit a counselor regularly.

The custody fight over my son; which I lost for multiple reasons: failure to mount a lawyer mediated fight, failure to indulge my son to the point he actually wanted to live with me (I refused to do this on principle - he is lavished on enough by his wealthy mother), among other reasons; drags on, this time in support court. My greedy ex wants my money even though she does not need it. So, I fought her the best I could and am now awaiting the magistrate's decision. The divorce system in the United States is inherently unjust. 

I have been biking to work on dry days when I can. It is now near 0 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and I rode in tonight. The bike is aging. I could use a new one soon. I have gotten quite a few miles off this old one over the past decade. The LED bright headlights are quite blinding. I flip off those people. Recently, I merely shield my eyes with my hands, as flipping them off doesn't solve anything.

My dreams are regular and rejuvenating. Unfortunately, the ones I remember most are about ex-girlfriends with whom I apparently want to reunite. I am relatively apathetic over them when I am awake, thinking gee, it would be nice to be back together, but I won't obsess... My brain obsesses apparently.

Dreams... where would we be without them?