Not giving up, though

 I have had several memorable dreams in the past month. 

The first is a nightmare where I was standing with my two youngest kids in front of our local fire station, in front of the office door. At the other end of the long tarmac to the street, a small car with its windows open was making its wat toward us. A gun barrel pointed out of the passenger side window toward me. The car drove slowly toward us. I was getting increasingly scared, but my kids were oblivious. They talked and joked as if nothing was happening. The fear woke me up.

Next dream, the main element I remember was images of the same kids, my two youngest, with background music playing - Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here. I awoke feeling sad.

Most recently, I was in a chair on a patio, and my ex fiancee was standing behind me, cradling my head gently against her abdomen (she's tall) and softly telling me "It's over... You need to move on"

It's unusual for me to have repeated dreams in which reality seeps in like that, much less several in a month. I lost custody of my younger kids, plus broke up with a wonderful woman a couple of years ago. It's been very hard on me.

Music frequently is heard in my dreams. I can't remember my dreams, but often wake up with a tune in my head. The tune is often original.

I stink at recording my dreams

 Well, I do dream regularly, and I do often remember the last couple minutes of my REM sleep when I wake up. I do not possess the discipline to regularly record things I dream.

That said, I did, a couple of sleeps ago, dream Ted Koppel was lying on my basement rug, reaching his arm under a bookcase. Was he retrieving something? Cleaning? Fixing? I don't know. Same dream series included a family of redheads in a field of scattered mature goldenrod. 

Seems random stuff to me. I have no control in my dreams. They just happen to me. 

Am making a furtive attempt to get back in the dating scene. It's frustrating. I had a couple leads. They show interest, then they ghost. 

Hang in there...

Latest Dreams - Apr 7-10

 Couple of dreams I remember from this period: Staying with family (not sure which ones) at a rickety shack next to a rural road with a close cropped weedy lawn. There were gaps in the clapboard letting light & the elements in. It was uninsulated. The mood was sad. I put my baggage, partially unpacked, on a shelf as I was noticing the holes in the walls. Weather was cloudy cool with spitting rain...

Another dream was of my son, who is a late bloomer. I was watching a friend or two of his go through puberty, while he did not, and I felt desolate for it.

That's the fragments of memory I retain from my latest dreams.

1st week Apr dreams

Well, having been reading a book which pays attention to the subject, I have noticed that I do dream every time I sleep. The chemical scheme of the brain during sleep discourages remembering dreams, but with discipline, apparently this can be overcome...

Having said that, here is what I remember since the last post: I made out with a Hispanic lady. That's one dream. I also apparently went to Ukraine to help in the war effort, mainly by driving their trolleybuses about whatever city it was I wound up in. Ukraine is a beat up, run down country even during peacetime. This city was no exception. I spoke with the people in Ukrainian. I learned new words. Sadness pervaded the dream, which makes sense, given all the death and loss going on over there. I felt at times like I was going to cry. I know from previous  dream experiences that when I feel the urge to cry, it means I am experiencing apnea. I always wake up gasping for air in these crying situations.

That's what I remember.

More later...

1Apr dream

 This dream consisted of colored skulls on a black background. The skulls represented some sort of activity. If the activity represented by specific skull was high, that skull glowed bright magenta. Skulls with less activity were a darker cornflower blue. Some skulls exhibited both colors. The skulls were observed to be skewed at random angles... The entire dream seemed like the computer display of a hi tech scan one would get in a hospital.

A musical melody accompanied the dream, and I could hum it immediately after waking. I have since forgotten it.

Mar 30 2023 - Progress?

 Last 9 months have been mainly tough. I started a second job, plus volunteered for more overtime at my primary job to occupy my mind, keeping it from dwelling on past losses. I also saw a counselor regularly throughout 2022. These actions proved effective in overall raising my spirits out of the gaping maw of Depression, though I flirt with burnout periodically...

Nowadays seem brighter, both literally and figuratively. Literally, because it's spring and the days are getting longer. Figuratively because my social life is improving, with more frequent meetups with friends new and old, and social interactions with family as well.

I am starting to date again after a brief abortive attempt last year with the eccentric solar panel installer from Ithaca. 

I am also reading about the science behind dreams, the history of our treatment of them, and observing and figuring out the whys of our brain activity while we slumber.

Keeping a dream diary is mentioned in the book, so in a nod to that, here goes:

I dreamt I was living with family friends. They sent me out to their front yard to retrieve a cookbook from a decaying bookshelf which dwelt there. The lawn wasn't mowed, and there was lots of junk. There was some discussion and interaction going on, the details of which escape me. typical weird random dream for me...

More on this later, if I have the discipline...

I continue to bike to work frequently, especially since my 3rd daughter got her driver's license and likes to commute to/from school from her mom's. Better to do this in an EV than in a gasoline engined vehicle. Am angling for a 3rd car, but supplies are short and I have to wait for now. 

June Update

 A lot has happened since my last entry. Tesla was totaled in April. I limped along driving it for another month, as it was still driveable. The frame was bent, and so made the only local body shop which takes in Teslas refuse to work on it. So I got a settlement which was mostly fair, except Progressive reneged and revised their initial offering down a few hundred, then came up short reimbursing me for the rental I had during my cars abortive stay at the body shop. Settlement eventually came through, and after several weeks finally located a Nissan LEAF to replace my old ride.

All in all, a disappointing Spring.

I continued to work through the mourning process of losing my fiancee. I stumbled across her new place off Rt 352 while biking. She got a nice place I too would have been happy in. We could have been a good, if not perfect couple, but, oh well. I am trying in fits and starts to move on. Tinder is a disaster, a wasteland. Soon I will try another service....

Other relatives are experiencing turbulent times in their marriages. Three couples I know and am close to are having rough go's of it. Things are tough all over in romantic relationships turned pedestrian... I wish them well in resolving their respective problems. I know how hard it can be. 

Have lost a considerable amount of money to the ex from the hamfisted support order that came through. To the magistrate's credit, he did assign a reduced rate to me in light of the ex's significant wealth. I filed an objection upon realizing the ex omitted over a million dollars in assets from her financial declaration, which may result in my obligation being further reduced. This order is not securing the welfare of my children, it is simply an instrument the ex weaponized against me, as she was angry that she was obliged to send me support for 6 years.

Have been biking to work frequently, exercising hard, and have been near constantly sore. It insulates me from the gnawing losses of the past couple of years: girlfriend, kids, car... I know many are better off than me, but also many are far worse off in this huge, huge civilization of ours. What's so civil about it, anyway?