1st week Apr dreams

Well, having been reading a book which pays attention to the subject, I have noticed that I do dream every time I sleep. The chemical scheme of the brain during sleep discourages remembering dreams, but with discipline, apparently this can be overcome...

Having said that, here is what I remember since the last post: I made out with a Hispanic lady. That's one dream. I also apparently went to Ukraine to help in the war effort, mainly by driving their trolleybuses about whatever city it was I wound up in. Ukraine is a beat up, run down country even during peacetime. This city was no exception. I spoke with the people in Ukrainian. I learned new words. Sadness pervaded the dream, which makes sense, given all the death and loss going on over there. I felt at times like I was going to cry. I know from previous  dream experiences that when I feel the urge to cry, it means I am experiencing apnea. I always wake up gasping for air in these crying situations.

That's what I remember.

More later...

1Apr dream

 This dream consisted of colored skulls on a black background. The skulls represented some sort of activity. If the activity represented by specific skull was high, that skull glowed bright magenta. Skulls with less activity were a darker cornflower blue. Some skulls exhibited both colors. The skulls were observed to be skewed at random angles... The entire dream seemed like the computer display of a hi tech scan one would get in a hospital.

A musical melody accompanied the dream, and I could hum it immediately after waking. I have since forgotten it.

Mar 30 2023 - Progress?

 Last 9 months have been mainly tough. I started a second job, plus volunteered for more overtime at my primary job to occupy my mind, keeping it from dwelling on past losses. I also saw a counselor regularly throughout 2022. These actions proved effective in overall raising my spirits out of the gaping maw of Depression, though I flirt with burnout periodically...

Nowadays seem brighter, both literally and figuratively. Literally, because it's spring and the days are getting longer. Figuratively because my social life is improving, with more frequent meetups with friends new and old, and social interactions with family as well.

I am starting to date again after a brief abortive attempt last year with the eccentric solar panel installer from Ithaca. 

I am also reading about the science behind dreams, the history of our treatment of them, and observing and figuring out the whys of our brain activity while we slumber.

Keeping a dream diary is mentioned in the book, so in a nod to that, here goes:

I dreamt I was living with family friends. They sent me out to their front yard to retrieve a cookbook from a decaying bookshelf which dwelt there. The lawn wasn't mowed, and there was lots of junk. There was some discussion and interaction going on, the details of which escape me. typical weird random dream for me...

More on this later, if I have the discipline...

I continue to bike to work frequently, especially since my 3rd daughter got her driver's license and likes to commute to/from school from her mom's. Better to do this in an EV than in a gasoline engined vehicle. Am angling for a 3rd car, but supplies are short and I have to wait for now. 

June Update

 A lot has happened since my last entry. Tesla was totaled in April. I limped along driving it for another month, as it was still driveable. The frame was bent, and so made the only local body shop which takes in Teslas refuse to work on it. So I got a settlement which was mostly fair, except Progressive reneged and revised their initial offering down a few hundred, then came up short reimbursing me for the rental I had during my cars abortive stay at the body shop. Settlement eventually came through, and after several weeks finally located a Nissan LEAF to replace my old ride.

All in all, a disappointing Spring.

I continued to work through the mourning process of losing my fiancee. I stumbled across her new place off Rt 352 while biking. She got a nice place I too would have been happy in. We could have been a good, if not perfect couple, but, oh well. I am trying in fits and starts to move on. Tinder is a disaster, a wasteland. Soon I will try another service....

Other relatives are experiencing turbulent times in their marriages. Three couples I know and am close to are having rough go's of it. Things are tough all over in romantic relationships turned pedestrian... I wish them well in resolving their respective problems. I know how hard it can be. 

Have lost a considerable amount of money to the ex from the hamfisted support order that came through. To the magistrate's credit, he did assign a reduced rate to me in light of the ex's significant wealth. I filed an objection upon realizing the ex omitted over a million dollars in assets from her financial declaration, which may result in my obligation being further reduced. This order is not securing the welfare of my children, it is simply an instrument the ex weaponized against me, as she was angry that she was obliged to send me support for 6 years.

Have been biking to work frequently, exercising hard, and have been near constantly sore. It insulates me from the gnawing losses of the past couple of years: girlfriend, kids, car... I know many are better off than me, but also many are far worse off in this huge, huge civilization of ours. What's so civil about it, anyway? 

The losing fight continues

"Blessed are you when (wo)men shall revile you and persecute you, and say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake." - Beatitudes

 Well, something actually went right this year. I got my tail light tickets dismissed in court! I appealed to the DA for leniency, and I got it, for a change.

Not so in family court... In addition to losing custody via the lies, intrigue, and loophole exploitations of my ex, I am, of course, getting sued for child support. My $90k will get siphoned off of, to augment her $300k salary, while she has the kids 12/14ths of each two week term... Fortunately, the two oldest are past age 21 and are no longer factored in the calculation. I also was saving money in anticipation of just such a trick.

I will also start a second job shortly to keep cash flow stable.

This sociopath I married needs to realize why our relationship is strained: If I had affairs while we were married, then petitioned the courts repeatedly with false allegations of her mental instability (she is anorexic btw) and abusive behavior towards the kids, how would HER demeanor toward ME be affected? I am sure she would be something less than cordial towards me! And, God help me, I haven't been exactly warm towards her through all this litigation...

The most blatant lie of abuse that made the complaint was me encouraging my son to punch me during an argument. This actually never happened in my house. One of my daughters, on the other hand, came to me complaining about the ex's second husband encouraging her to hit him during one of their arguments. We are all human. We have occasional lapses of judgement when parenting. No one here is mistake free. But don't LIE for crying out loud! I wouldn't go to court over an occasional faux pa.

It's mainly about money. Money certainly is the root of all human evil.

Finding a bottom...

 Well, lying and projecting have won the day in court for my ex and the conspiring children, who, in an effort to gain a more indulgent indolent life with mom, painted me as abusive, when all I wanted was for them to clean their rooms and go to church. They even somehow manipulated the judgement to allow visitation only on alternate Tuesdays, with no time on the weekends at all. This keeps them out of church. Just what they wanted. I am appalled at how willingly the judge let himself be manipulated by the false and misleading testimony.

So I am carving out a new life for myself... Taking a second job in anticipation of a looming child support order. My 5 figure salary will now be docked to supplement my ex's household's $500,000/yr income. These are definitely trying times.

I am grateful for the eagerness with which I was hired on as a lifeguard at my local Y. I am grateful for friends, relatives, and colleagues at my primary job, who have offered words of encouragement throughout this horrible year. I am grateful for the 2 year streak of sickness free living I enjoyed throughout this epidemic. I am also grateful for my good physical conditioning, the payoff for the consistent hard work I put in daily exercising. 

My ex girlfriend offered to testify on my behalf in court for this custody battle. I am grateful for that.

In other news, a good friend and gardening partner of mine just died after a long harrowing illness. I will miss him, but am grateful his seemingly interminable suffering is finally at an end.

My ex has joyfully abused and bullied me for years. Perhaps I am too sensitive, but the extramarital affairs and false accusations of abuse do get a man down after a while. It makes co-parenting quite hard. The judge came down on me for not being a good co-parent. He failed to considered the context in which I was trying to co-parent. Some of the blame lies with her, too. It's certainly not all my fault.

More on this later. I shall persist...

Ongoing Struggles

 Life continues to be a challenge. I miss Julie, though I know she won't be coming back. Custody battle continues, with its manifold side effects which negatively impact my efforts at parenting. A traffic stop on my bicycle has complicated my life further. I have misgivings about my children going for their MDs, and that has turned family members against me. And through it all, I keep biking to work. 

First, I do desire female companionship. I hesitate to even try to seek someone out, as I know my lifestyle is not attractive to most. I work out hard. I only rarely drink. I monomaniacally conserve energy, in an effort at a better world for my kids. Monks live more pleasurable lives than I do. So I hold back, and feel melancholy about it.

The ex continues her court pursuit of full custody. The meals are not healthy enough, according to her. This is untrue. Among other efforts, I grow vegetables in the garden and send them to the ex to help feed our kids. I take them to church, and they complain. This gets twisted around into a complaint in the court petition. I feel handcuffed in my powers for disciplining them. I ask them to do chores, and they ignore me or outright refuse. The 64 degree thermostat made it into the petition. It's 68 in their bedrooms at that temp setting. If I exact punishments, this shows up in complaints to the court too. This is the biggest pain in my life.

I installed lights on a bike to ride it home at night so my daughter would have it to ride to work the following morning. The on/off button for the new taillight was in an odd place, so I missed it trying to turn it on. Painted Post Village cop noticed this, and pulled me over, getting angry when I asked him why I was pulled over. He lost his cool and went fishing for other things wrong with my daughter's bike, like the presence/absence of a bell. Now I am facing a court fight over these tickets. I pled not guilty. My current dilemma is whether or not to contact the DA's office to negotiate the tickets, or to await a trial.

I see how overpaid and underworked our MDs are, as I've worked in the healthcare field 26 years, and how incompetent and inattentive they are. I would not want my children to join that crowd. I am too vocal about this. My father was an MD. A proud MD. My rhetoric has rubbed him the wrong way, provoking him to belittle the field I am in. I should just keep quiet. 

The cycling keeps me sane. I feel I am saving energy for my kids' future, plus I get a small workout. The hostile drivers are infrequent enough that this routine is overall beneficial to my life. 

God please, I beg you for a more peaceful, gentle, loving life than what is going on now. Help me change enough to accommodate the existence of the proper components to make this a reality,