Cold winds blow emotionally, heatwave persists meteorologically

 Well, the intense romance ended as quickly as it started. I was manipulated a bit, it seems. It's not clearcut manipulation though. There is some nuance here...

My erstwhile woman was living in her troubled world and reached out initially for a friends with benefits setup. To escape my own troubles, I dove in whole hearted, escaping my troubles, my loneliness. We seemed to click really well together in many ways. We opened our lives to one another. She seemed enthusiastic about everything right up til the end. Complimentary. Loving, I dare say. I did my best to love her back. 

Then, as I helped her unpack from our trip, things dramatically changed. She announced we were breaking up. Mentioned things about my personality she felt were interfering with her fun, and our prospects for a future. And, that was it. Relationship terminated.

IMMEDIATELY THE DAY OF THE BREAKUP she visited a guy. Had a date with him. Clearly there were things she didn't tell me which prompted the breakup. Guy met the kids a few days later. He was overnighting with her when I dropped off her things a few days after that. Seems she was just lusting after another guy, and didn't want to make the breakup simply about "I want more and different sex from someone else." She had to throw red herrings out there to justify it in her own mind.

It was a bit cruel how it went down. She was always volatile, but in hindsight I see things deteriorating a bit the final weeks. Her brain is in turmoil. Fights with relatives. Fights with kids. Fights with ex. Medicated for anxiety/depression. Reliance on alcohol, and weed. An aversion to exercise. Would be interesting to view her thoughts. I'm sure they are anything but peaceful. I suppose she feels she negotiated the end in the most merciful way possible, but it still was significantly hellish for me: withdrawal, grief, shock, etc.

I had dreams during the final week of our fling. The most memorable was a scene where she and I were talking. I was trying to gently talk her through something, and she was reacting very strongly and sternly, making me feel I was failing in my efforts to get through to her. Foreshadowing...

Next chapter... when to start? Want to avoid rebound relationship consequences. Maybe that's a myth. 

Biked all seven days to work immediately after the breakup. Bike is working well. Definitely got my money's worth out of it.

Am contemplating a new bike for my son. 

More dreams and biking news soon...

Mar-May2024

 It's been generally a period of tranquility. I bike all I can, and experience the usual pleasures and irritations on my commute, quiet, exercise, occasional asshole who won't dim his brights, etc.

Vivid dreams occur regularly. I had one last night which triggered this entry: Was a hobbit living in a small hobbit village. I took a shine for one of the young women of the most prominent, powerful family in town. When a friend and I went to call at her house, security searched us for weapons, which we had in the form of clubs laced with razor wire.. (??? nonsense). Foiled in my attempt to meet her, I roamed the tree lined streets of the town. I woke up briefly here.

Things really got weird when I drifted off back to sleep. I actually picked up in the dream about where I left off. I had managed to rid myself of my weapons, and was allowed to meet up with the woman. The family's surname was Shane. So prominent and revered was this family in the town, that several dishes served in the local tavern were named after them ie "Botkiv Shane". I took her there. 

It got weirder. The tv screen in the tavern switched from news or sports and started showing scenes of unused abandoned old toys, some of which I recognized as from my kids when they were little. A wave of sadness came over me. My dinner date became doll like and impassive, like a doll sitting ignored on a shelf for years. I began to cry in my dream. I awoke hyperventilating. When I cry in a dream, I stop breathing, and this wakes me up.

My love life prospers, back in my waking reality. Still have intense romance, sustained for 9 months and counting. Long may it last!

Financially, things are stable. Interesting highlight is a $1300 payment from ex wife's insurance from when she backed up into my car. The damage buffed out using DIY technique. Work is still vigorous, with occasional OT, and plenty of lifeguarding at my YMCA side hustle job.

My grip on Orthodox Christianity is growing tenuous. What the future holds here, I cannot accurately predict. I will take it week by week. With my busy schedule, I have been forcing out time for services and such.

I am seeing a counselor for any bumps in the road which may occur: fights with family mainly, in particular my dad's second spouse, who has badmouthed me to my kids behind my back, and how do deal with this and other things.

Overall, I am blessed. And thankful.

More later... 

February

 Well, it appears I am not on speaking terms with my father and his 2nd spouse. I have reached out sympathetically to them, after initially reacting hostilely to an overreach on their part. I have gotten no response. I am letting it lie...

I am working the two jobs as always. A recert on one of my jobs is coming up and it conflicts with the schedule of the other job. This will cost me sleep. Hopefully things will go smoothly enough.

Life generally feels good. I don't embrace this depraved selfish shortsighted human civilization of ours, but I tolerate it. I don't have much of a choice.... It is truly a shame how we are wasting our precious planet in the name of untold numbers of selfish ends.

I feel like I get more and vivid dreams when I supplement with melatonin. Latest dream was a nightmare of sorts. I can only remember the distressed feeling which permeated the dream, and not any particular detail. It involved travel, and lots of other people, and that's the extent of my recollection.

Biking is doing well, Chain replacement is overdue. I got everything adjusted so I get a smooth quiet ride. It takes about half an hour these days to get to or from work via bicycle. I am slowing with age. The LED headlights pierce the night and blind me. I am learning not to anger myself over it. It's just a waste of emotional energy if I do that. 

Dreams Jan 2024

 I can mention a few things regarding my dream activity:

First, the dreams appear to be more numerous and vivid when I take a melatonin supplement.

Second, I wake up with a hard on a lot. The dreams are almost never erotic. It's just a physiological thing I believe.

The most memorable dream lately was me in a big high-ceilinged room filled with groups of people. A voice called my name. I was at first curious at whose voice, but then started fleeing it. I sequestered myself in a bathroom off the main room and peeked through the crack in the door and saw my old work colleague staring through trying to look at me! Yikes....

The dreams are frequent and often interesting. If I don't discuss them with people immediately after waking up, I quickly forget them.

State of things: Jan 2024

 In the context of world affairs, this has been a good month for me. Ukraine and Russia and Gaza and Israel have millions whose lives are profoundly more difficult than mine. It puts things in perspective for me.

I can enumerate the good things: health, romance, steady employment, financial security.

I watched many in my family and at my job come down with CoViD, strep, and other ailments, while I remained healthy. Notably, it was revealed to me that a couple members of my extended family came down with increasing dementia and significant prostate cancer. This will change how I deal with them. Our tumultuous relations now have context.

My relationship with my girlfriend has escalated to the point where I have met all her kids, and her ex husband, whom I shook hands with. I come precariously close to telling her I love her, which I do. Fear holds me back.

Jobs give me hours enough to generate positive cash flow even under the yoke of the unnecessary child support payments I am obliged to send.

My investments are spotty, generating significant income even as the value of the principle wavers. I need to keep vigilant, and rejigger things where appropriate. I have stumbled recently.

I can enumerate the bad things in my life: family discord, and the state of our country.

Within my immediate family, I have little say over how my kids are raised due to the unfair court ruling on custody. My ex indulged and coddled my kids and consequently alienated them from me. I am more strict. It doesn't take rocket science to predict which parent kids will gravitate to under these circumstances. It is very frustrating to see things unfold which I oppose, but cannot prevent from happening. 

Extended family has gotten into the act lately. I have a "step parent" who will gather my kids together without my knowledge and proceed to belittle and badmouth me in front of them. This cannot stand. I have little control as the non-custodial parent. 

I worry about the collective hedonism of our society at a time when we should be scaling back our rapaciousness in the face of environmental catastrophe. I am apparently alone in my worries. If the subject comes up in a direct manner, it is dismissed as "well, I can't make a difference, so why try?" This apathy eats to the very core of my soul, and is very painful emotionally.

I'm glad I have coping mechanisms: Sex, exercise, and music.

Until I type again next month, good bye.

It's Not Winter Yet

 No winter, and no discontent. Had a passionate weekend filled with sex and eating and lounging. It's Monday, and I am sorting things out for the coming week, in a completely languid and pacified manner. 

I have small matters to attend, such as mending the hole in my ceiling caused by a now repaired roof leak.

I have finished a Nicholas Sparks book, a wholesome altruistic affair, and am now reading a more neurotic, dark, sexually charged novel by Erica Jong.

I received a rather steep Christmas gift request, and have been hashing over how to handle it. I think I will maybe help the recipients out financially and let them do the logistics and part of the financial requirements for procuring the gift. 

Still dreaming as much as any time in my life. I, among many other dreams, have recently dreamt of being back in the Army. I did this more than once. Most memorably, I bought frozen foods and left them on my car in the PX parking lot, where they started to rapidly melt before I remembered to get them to a freezer. The landscape was heavy with trees and hills. I also dreamt I was sent to an American embassy in China with a group of other American nationals, where we were instructed to simply live and get paid for it! We got interviewed, had physicals, and were dispatched into the Chinese city where the embassy was. We all then donned crow costumes complete with black clothing and beaked masks!

My unjust divorce has been only a very faint simmer in my life. I'm.... glad?

Torrid Summer, Hot Autumn

 Life lurches forward. 

First, my job: few people have the chutzpah to work the insane hours I do, so when my counterpart took time off for personal reasons, my hours skyrocketed. I'm making a decent living, but, ironically my living isn't so decent. Not many hours of free time linger for me in any given week. Temp workers from other countries still fill many of the off hours shifts in my department. Somehow I am getting enough sleep, and insomnia isn't an issue. 

Which leads to the dream logging portion of this diary. Nonsense continues to simmer in the grey matter as I slumber. Most memorable was a dream, where I was in a spare, industrial type hi rise apartment with my best friend and his family. The big picture windows opened out upon a large abandoned amusement park. Rust stained the old concrete foundations of the abandoned Ferris wheel and roller coaster. It was a clear sunny cool day. I was desperate to find a toilet. Oddly, the only toilet was in an open alcove off the main living room, which was wall-to-wall carpeted with 70-80s era, multi-color shag rug. I dove for the commode, and for some reason decided sitting down to pee was best. I forgot to put the seat down and about fell into the bowl. I started peeing. It was at this time my best friend decided to have a conversation with me. He talked like me sitting with my buttocks in toilet water, while urine gushes out of me, was a common occurance not even worth mentioning. I did wake up to a hella urge to pee...

Possibly helping with the sleep, is the ongoing passionate romance I have. We're pegging the meters on each other's souls. It's... nuts. Can't adequately describe it. It's dreamlike; something that just can't be real. Stuff like this only happens in dime store romance novels, Playboy articles (we only bought that magazine for the articles), wet dreams, etc. Occasionally I fear losing it. I remind myself to concentrate on the happiness of it all, and to relegate the fear of it ending to the background. Concentrate more on building, and not the fear of a tear down. Concentrate on supporting, loving really. We help each other through our rough days. Bottom line: it's FUN. Boy I hope it doesn't end!

I have been biking frequently to work. Traffic is ... traffic. I'm still the lone cyclist in my little area doing this, surrounded by motorists. We coexist. It's mainly an easy coexistence. I don't appreciate peoples brights while driving at night. Many don't dim them as they approach me, even as I have a headlight. I am sure they see me. It's inconsiderate, and I wonder what these people are thinking, if they are thinking at all.

Gardening season has essentially come to a close. Was a successful harvest after a summer of well timed rains and no major heatwaves. Only glitch was a June draught which curtailed the garlic harvest. I have to get new seed garlic now.