A Fertile Imagination

 Well the trial to determine the amount of child support due my wealthy ex and her powerful expensive (obese) lawyer ground to a conclusion and a decision was rendered. Apparently we drove the poor magistrate crazy, and he quickly ordered the child support to continue unabated even as the number of children we share has been halved. He left out a specific order for me to continue sending money to help pay health insurance premiums for our kid. I am fine with this. 

My ex is so wealthy, that in reality she needs not a cent from me to help maintain the living standard of our son. But she is pugilistic in nature with a large appetite for revenge, with deep pockets to hire the most aggressive expensive lawyers in our area. Naturally she strenuously objected to the ruling, zeroing in on the lack of an order for me to pay health insurance premiums for her, ranting about irrelevant minutiae such as my "long history of nonsupport." Ha! I have paid whenever I have been ordered to, and am about $284 ahead in my payments...

I too shall object to the ruling, because the magistrate neglected to consider the increased taxes I am burdened with going forward - $10000 more a year as a single filer with no dependents, compared to if I was married filing jointly with one dependent, as she can. I also have additional income data showing my income down $8000 due to less overtime and fewer hours at my second job. Also neglected in his ruling was my son's living standard. His living standard is increased since his mother left me for a richer man, without child support from me. Yet another parameter the judge ignored: my extra contributions to his welfare: I have $40000 saved and growing for his college tuition when he graduates, and I own insure and maintain a car for him to commute to school with when he turns 16 this year.

I think I have a pretty solid case.

Once the trial was over, my anxiety decreased significantly, and my dreamscapes as I sleep grew more graphic. I had dreams about hiking, sometimes with my girlfriend, sometimes with my daughter Katherine. I marveled at tall trees with thick trunks which stayed thick even 50 feet up. We hiked on dirt roads, mostly through flat areas. Katherine was a little girl, and I carried her on my back. She slept as I carried her. We came upon abandoned buildings, and we explored them. There was snowfall.

A less comforting dream found me in Chicago trying unsuccessfully to see my son and youngest daughter as my ex spirited them away, doing this and that, probably sporting events. I rode buses through nice neighborhoods feeling distraught and alone, hoping to see them soon... It was a desolate feeling waking up from that.

I worry about the lack of closeness to my son this hostile post-divorce situation has precipitated upon me. I have no idea what influence his mother has over his attitude toward me. I suspect it hasn't been good. My kids have reported she badmouths me on the phone to my own relatives. Yes, I feel anger over this. Mostly I feel hopeless, hurt, and broken hearted. I really want to be close with my son. She's preventing this. She hides coyly behind the "if he wanted to see you, I would let him" line of bullshit. The environment she cultivated at her house makes any show of support towards me dangerous, if you enjoy the accoutrements of wealth she has engendered after she married old Mr. Moneybags.

I'll work through it with my counselor.

A Dream Within a Dread

 

My entry title was supposed to be "A Dream within a Dream", but I mistyped. I'm keeping the typo.

Life has been a mixed bag of late.

I have an ongoing relationship with a local woman, who is generally kind, hardworking, a bit intense, who I am happy with. The disturbing thing is I lack passion for her, infatuation. It's just missing. I enjoy her company, and can drum up attraction when we get a moment alone together, which is rare, but the actual love and passion feels lacking on my end. I am not sure what to do about this. Maybe I can note the solution in my next entry.

Work is steady and quietly prosperous. We have a new manager who I haven't even met yet, and about whom I have learned very little from my co-workers. I am at the top pay rung for my job, which rewarded me with a de facto bonus for the first paycheck of the year. Things are still relatively peaceful here. Some employees do things in odd ways which I would think aren't per policy, but I am not a micro manager, so I look beyond what they are doing.

Socially I am trying to keep ties with several close friends through in person or internet interactions. This helps maintain my emotional stability. I also visit a counselor regularly.

The custody fight over my son; which I lost for multiple reasons: failure to mount a lawyer mediated fight, failure to indulge my son to the point he actually wanted to live with me (I refused to do this on principle - he is lavished on enough by his wealthy mother), among other reasons; drags on, this time in support court. My greedy ex wants my money even though she does not need it. So, I fought her the best I could and am now awaiting the magistrate's decision. The divorce system in the United States is inherently unjust. 

I have been biking to work on dry days when I can. It is now near 0 degrees Fahrenheit outside, and I rode in tonight. The bike is aging. I could use a new one soon. I have gotten quite a few miles off this old one over the past decade. The LED bright headlights are quite blinding. I flip off those people. Recently, I merely shield my eyes with my hands, as flipping them off doesn't solve anything.

My dreams are regular and rejuvenating. Unfortunately, the ones I remember most are about ex-girlfriends with whom I apparently want to reunite. I am relatively apathetic over them when I am awake, thinking gee, it would be nice to be back together, but I won't obsess... My brain obsesses apparently.

Dreams... where would we be without them?

Progress Among Setbacks

 The worst thing to happen since my last entry was the humiliating defeat in court of my petition for more time with my son. The history here is fraught with untruth, and bitterness. My son and I get along fine. In a rational world, we would spend more time together. But the world, in particular the family court as manipulated by my ex and her expensive unscrupulous lawyer, is anything but rational. It is oversaturated with emotion, lust for power, and desire for money: my money into her bank accounts. I could mount a legal Battle of the Somme, and perhaps gain some time, share custody. The price would be insane. Custody fights are insane. Society has ordained them to be. And so my heart breaks. I weather the pain. Again. 

But, life isn't all bad. For one thing, support court will be more reasonable. Case law supports me sending only minimal amounts of child support to a custodial parent who has an extraordinarily high income, plus an elderly spouse with a significant estate. My goal is to have the amount reduced (we only have one minor child left; the middle child emancipated by joining the military) to the point where working a second job is only for recreational purposes, and there is no pressure to work overtime to make ends meet.

I'm dating someone. She's really busy with her kids and her job, and feels stress from being broken up with an ex husband she really doesn't get along with.  Working at being patient with this. I have faced, and am facing, similar problems. I would appreciate patience if I was in her position. I sort of am.

Melatonin induced dreams are bizarre. I dreamed about tailing an ex-girlfriend, maybe trying to get back with her, certainly trying to convince her that her current boyfriend is abusive and a child molester. His appearance degraded into something resembling that red haired guy in the Scott's lawn care ads, only also going bald. I caught him being abusive to her kids. When he saw me, he stopped.

Had a dream where Donald Trump was giving a tour of Corning's water treatment plant. Somehow he was turning it into a diatribe against the liberal commie democrats. I was in the tour group heckling him with all sorts of expletives: "fucking draft dodger pussy, etc." I felt a bit anxious he would stop talking and attack me. I was noticing the orange makeup he wears melting off his face...

And the weirdest, most pornographic dream: The QA woman at work and I were on a bed together at work, fluorescent lights, offices, analyzers, etc. and all... in front of our colleagues, she pulls off her panties and starts masturbating. I'm astonished. I look around to see if anyone is staring. No one notices. She eventually grabs my left hand and starts massaging herself with it. In real life, this woman is a bit annoying to me and I have no interest in her beyond our jobs. My face hovers over her pubic area (unshaven). I work off her top and start gnawing on her right breast nipple. The shock finally wakes me up!

Biking is slower lately as my derailleur/shifter recently started refusing to push the chain onto my largest sprocket. Biking has been uneventful, dark, and, recently, cold. I hate LED headlights. Too bright. Blinding even. Almost time to replace my chain again.

Renaissance

 Through more frequent visits to a counselor, maintaining a decent workout schedule, and reaching out on a dating app, I have significantly improved my state of mind, and recorded several interesting dreams...

Biking, which I did daily immediately after my breakup, I cut back on due to extra hours at work. A colleague broke his foot and we covered for him over 6 weeks. I gave the finger to motorists who left their brights on oncoming into me, blinding me. Other than that, biking has been satisfying. the bike is aging. The index shifter for the front derailleur won't click into 3rd gear. I can't see a fix. It's just worn out.

This counselor I am seeing has had good advice for me which I could act on. The cognitive behavior slant he approaches from was easy for me to wrap my head around. Thoughts => feelings => behaviors. Change one element of the chain, and the others should change too. A simple parting comment, "be kind to yourself," proved more helpful, too.

I met a woman on a dating app who clicked with me eventually. We are an item now. She is talkative and wise enough that stuff she said inspired me to craft a detente with my ex, which is improving my morale. I owe her. She is a valuable part of my life. I have forgiven and forgotten my last relationship.

Dreams:Was on a college campus with my daughter. She talked with lots of people and generally seemed to be a social butterfly. We visited multiple places on campus. She even addressed crowds, while wearing swim goggles, swimsuit, cap, and a towel draped over her shoulders.

Dreamed about giving cunnilingus, woke up quickly!

Dreamed about fanning out in a slum protecting a blond woman who was selling door to door. Encountered a guy. I tore his mask off. His face looked just like the mask.

Good month so far. Hope it continues... 

Three Wishes

Biking is heavy. Nearly every day this month I biked to work. 

Dreams have been interrupted by spotty sleep patterns and heavy stress.

 What a distressing month. A breakup was enough pain. But no, I apparently had more misery on tap whether I wanted it or not.

I had problems with my dad's second spouse's backbiting me, in front of my family, for months, and had resolved to fix them by confronting. The opportunity came when my dad invited me to dinner at a restaurant, and took the offending spouse along. Well, the confrontation went bad in a hurry. I place part of the blame on my tequila induced bluntness. I directly accused this person of mocking my life choices behind my back, without specific examples. The reaction was defiant and hostile, naturally. I muffed the chance at reconciliation. I got insulted repeatedly and taunted at every opportunity. My opinions are known to them, and they scoffed, mocked and disagreed with me disrespectfully every opportunity they got. It was upsetting to say the least. Then they left me to finish my meal alone. Poor dad was caught in the middle. He doesn't have the energy to stand up for himself, much less me, anymore.

What I should have done was gently ask open ended questions about the conversations they have with my kids and siblings when I am not there. What could they have said which would have upset my family into reporting to me about this mocking they repeatedly carried on with multiple times in front my my family? Perhaps we could have gotten to an understanding more peacefully.

Tequila screwed that up. Bad choice on my part. 

My naive attempt to get more visitation with my son got blitzed by my ex and her aggressive lawyer. Her hired thug document server even CAME IN MY HOUSE, against the law, to serve me papers. Very unnerving. Made police report. She sent a 40 page rebuttal of my petition. Will see a lawyer to organize rebuttals to her rebuttals, which, it turns out, are rather flimsy. 

So, triple whammy. I hate to be challenged this way. Anxiety in abundance!  I fantasize having a laid back happy ex who would be willing to expand my visitation and share custody with our only son. Also, my dad with a kinder gentler, less judgmental second spouse would be great. And why not? How about a loving loyal girlfriend who isn't so easily distracted by other guys?

Three Wishes.

Cold winds blow emotionally, heatwave persists meteorologically

 Well, the intense romance ended as quickly as it started. I was manipulated a bit, it seems. It's not clearcut manipulation though. There is some nuance here...

My erstwhile woman was living in her troubled world and reached out initially for a friends with benefits setup. To escape my own troubles, I dove in whole hearted, escaping my troubles, my loneliness. We seemed to click really well together in many ways. We opened our lives to one another. She seemed enthusiastic about everything right up til the end. Complimentary. Loving, I dare say. I did my best to love her back. 

Then, as I helped her unpack from our trip, things dramatically changed. She announced we were breaking up. Mentioned things about my personality she felt were interfering with her fun, and our prospects for a future. And, that was it. Relationship terminated.

IMMEDIATELY THE DAY OF THE BREAKUP she visited a guy. Had a date with him. Clearly there were things she didn't tell me which prompted the breakup. Guy met the kids a few days later. He was overnighting with her when I dropped off her things a few days after that. Seems she was just lusting after another guy, and didn't want to make the breakup simply about "I want more and different sex from someone else." She had to throw red herrings out there to justify it in her own mind.

It was a bit cruel how it went down. She was always volatile, but in hindsight I see things deteriorating a bit the final weeks. Her brain is in turmoil. Fights with relatives. Fights with kids. Fights with ex. Medicated for anxiety/depression. Reliance on alcohol, and weed. An aversion to exercise. Would be interesting to view her thoughts. I'm sure they are anything but peaceful. I suppose she feels she negotiated the end in the most merciful way possible, but it still was significantly hellish for me: withdrawal, grief, shock, etc.

I had dreams during the final week of our fling. The most memorable was a scene where she and I were talking. I was trying to gently talk her through something, and she was reacting very strongly and sternly, making me feel I was failing in my efforts to get through to her. Foreshadowing...

Next chapter... when to start? Want to avoid rebound relationship consequences. Maybe that's a myth. 

Biked all seven days to work immediately after the breakup. Bike is working well. Definitely got my money's worth out of it.

Am contemplating a new bike for my son. 

More dreams and biking news soon...

Mar-May2024

 It's been generally a period of tranquility. I bike all I can, and experience the usual pleasures and irritations on my commute, quiet, exercise, occasional asshole who won't dim his brights, etc.

Vivid dreams occur regularly. I had one last night which triggered this entry: Was a hobbit living in a small hobbit village. I took a shine for one of the young women of the most prominent, powerful family in town. When a friend and I went to call at her house, security searched us for weapons, which we had in the form of clubs laced with razor wire.. (??? nonsense). Foiled in my attempt to meet her, I roamed the tree lined streets of the town. I woke up briefly here.

Things really got weird when I drifted off back to sleep. I actually picked up in the dream about where I left off. I had managed to rid myself of my weapons, and was allowed to meet up with the woman. The family's surname was Shane. So prominent and revered was this family in the town, that several dishes served in the local tavern were named after them ie "Botkiv Shane". I took her there. 

It got weirder. The tv screen in the tavern switched from news or sports and started showing scenes of unused abandoned old toys, some of which I recognized as from my kids when they were little. A wave of sadness came over me. My dinner date became doll like and impassive, like a doll sitting ignored on a shelf for years. I began to cry in my dream. I awoke hyperventilating. When I cry in a dream, I stop breathing, and this wakes me up.

My love life prospers, back in my waking reality. Still have intense romance, sustained for 9 months and counting. Long may it last!

Financially, things are stable. Interesting highlight is a $1300 payment from ex wife's insurance from when she backed up into my car. The damage buffed out using DIY technique. Work is still vigorous, with occasional OT, and plenty of lifeguarding at my YMCA side hustle job.

My grip on Orthodox Christianity is growing tenuous. What the future holds here, I cannot accurately predict. I will take it week by week. With my busy schedule, I have been forcing out time for services and such.

I am seeing a counselor for any bumps in the road which may occur: fights with family mainly, in particular my dad's second spouse, who has badmouthed me to my kids behind my back, and how do deal with this and other things.

Overall, I am blessed. And thankful.

More later...